Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Michael Jackson is in trouble...again

Michael Jackson is facing up to 20 years in prison for alleged drug trafficking. The troubled singer is said to have a 40 pills-a-day habit, and has been accused of illegally importing anti-depressants and painkillers from the US to his hideaway in Bahrain.

They say he takes around 40 tablets a day and was even seen falling flat on his face after injecting himself with a mystery substance. The investigation centres around a huge stash of drugs found at the star's Neverland ranch when police were probing the child sex claims made against Jackson in 2003.

Traces of cocaine were also found on the singer's underwear during the swoop. The probe is being run by district attorney Tom Sneddon - who is said to be angry he failed to convict Jackson on child sex charges in the summer.

Surprise! Michael Jackson is in hot water again. When he's not insulting Jews and throwing around a bunch of anti-Italian slurs, he's apparently stoned out of his mind. That would explain some of his bizarre behavior. Actually it doesn't, he's a still a total nut job.

I don't even want to know anymore information about the coke in his skivvies. Jebus.

However, if you look at that photo long enough, you might have a 40-pill a day habit as well. I just took 4 Immodiums, 12 Tylenol, half a bottle of Valium and drank the whole bottle of Nyquil. I'm feeling much better now. Thanks.

Now Hiring

A little extra cash for the holidays is always good.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Another "die-hard" Eagles Fan Bites the Dust

So to speak. Ouch, that actually hurt me a little.
NOVEMBER 28--Meet Christopher Noteboom. The 44-year-old was arrested yesterday after running onto the field at a Philadelphia Eagles game and dumping what he said were his mother's ashes. Noteboom, an Arizona resident, told officials that the act, for which he was charged with defiant trespassing, was a tribute to his mother, an Eagles fan who died earlier this year. Noteboom, a Phoenix bar owner, was apprehended near the 30-yard line, where he did a face plant after performing the sign of the cross. If the anemic Eagles had a running game, we'd make a joke about "three yards and a cloud of dust" right about here.
In all honesty, why is it so easy to get onto a footbal field during a game these days? Hopefully, this man's mom will rest in peace now. I would think T.O. leaving would be enough. But, that's just me.

smokinggun and deadspin

Great American Trailer Park Pageant

A contestant balances on her head while burping the alphabet at the Great American Trailer Park Pageant in New York November 17, 2005.

A contestant prepares to drink six cans of beer at one time at the Great American Trailer Park Pageant in New York November 17, 2005. Contestants across the country showcased a vast array of talents for a panel of judges and talk show host Jerry Springer during the competition.
Looks like there was a bunch of talented folks in this competition and Jerry Springer was the host for the event. He should be a pretty good judge of this kind of stuff by now.


Indian Yoga vs. Irish Yoga

Thanks to Jeri for these.

Oprah Billboard


Did Tom Cruise have anything to do with this? In related news, Antidepressants may ease Meth addiction. Hmmmm. foxnews

Bits and Pieces

  • Top ten Porn Movies. I got a chuckle out of the titles.
  • Madonna's husband thinks her new album is s**t.
  • George Clooney is hot for Matt Damon's ass?
  • This is some desperate kid. Didn't he see American Pie?
  • A true kiss of death. Scary.
  • The Strolling Bones will be playing the Superbowl halftime show.
  • So Michael Jackson didn't conceive his children the old fashioned way...AND there not biologically his? Shocking!

Monday, November 28, 2005

R.I.P. Sam

The world's ugliest dog, Sam died just short of his 15th birthday. He became famous for his "scary" looks, but was very beautiful with a big heart. His owner, Susie, gave him a great life.

Lockheed said she had Sam euthanized after a veterinarian told her Sam's heart was failing.

She said she's felt a little lost ever since, and is sleeping with Sam's favorite toy -- a stuffed bear he picked up and carried home.

"I have snuggled Sam under my blankets on my bed for six years," said Lockheed, who has three other dogs named TatorTot, TinkerBell and PixieNoodle.

Thanks to Josh for passing this along. CNN

Back From Vacation!

I'm back! And, it's back to work. Ugh!

There is nothing like a Pawley's Island sunset. I had a great time, I just wish it wasn't so cold at the beach.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Chris Klein is a Jackass

I don't need food to impress, man," boasts the cocky "American Pie" C-lister. "It's a flash of a smile and a nice conversation. And at the end of the day, she's cooking the food."

Chris, 26, a self-described "alpha heterosexual" who only dates "8 to 10's," also reveals how displeased he is if a woman he's seeing gains a few pounds. "I'm not tolerant of that at all," declares the actor, who says he has no problem telling his swollen squeeze to shape up.

"When a woman isn't feeling good about herself and you combine that with her period, eventually she'll ask you if you like her body," he pontificates. "You have to say no."

Klein then rejects the interviewer's suggestion that "they're just looking for you to say, 'You look beautiful to me, honey.'" "If they do, it's placating," he scoffs. "I don't placate."

Given this attitude, it's not surprising when he admits the "worst thing" a woman ever said to him was, "You're a [expletive that rhymes with 'brass pole']."

Note to Chris Klein...get over yourself.

I can't believe being called and asshole was the most worst thing to you. You shoud be pretty f*cking used to it by now. No wonder Katie Homes left you for Tommy Cruise. Oh, and Chris, your going to look like you've gained a little extra weight too when someone has their foot-knee deep up your ass. And, will make your ass look fat.

If you can stomach this idiot you can read the rest here.

24 Season 5 Photos

Season 5 promo pic. Very cool. He looks like a total renegade.
Jack is back!
I wonder if Edgar and Chloe are gettin' jiggy with it.
Talk about sexual tension.
Hopefully, we will get to see more of Curtis in the field.
He's a total badass!
Chloe's my hero. She rocks!
Even though I'm looking at him in a suit, it's going
to take awhile to get used to Sean Astin being a CTU agent.
Looks like Audrey didn't jump off a bridge...yet.
Yey, Tony's back with Cubby too!!! Cubby doesn't get enough credit.
And, lucky me. The whiny ass, Nixon look alike President is back.
Jean Smart joins the cast as President Logan's wife.
She's a great actress.
I cannot wait for the season to start. There are a few more cast photos and a brief synopsis. I didn't read it and would not consider it a spoiler, but if your interested it's all here.
Season 4 disk set goes on sale December 6th.

Tom Cruise Visits South Park

Uh-oh! They tried to get Tom Cruise out of the closet. Hopefully they didn't kill Kenny in the process. Did anyone catch last nights episode? They interview R. Kelly and ask him why Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet. Hilarious! I'm waiting for Tom Cruise's lawyer to come racing into the picture any minute now!


View the clip here.
Entitled “Trapped in the Closet,” the duo set their crudely animated sights on Scientology and Tom Cruise—topics previously deemed “off limits” due to the actor’s close ties to Comedy Central’s sister company, Paramount Pictures, we’re told.

According to a source who has read an early draft of the script, it begins with Stan visiting a Church office only to be hailed as a savior by the leaders of Scientology because of his off-the-chart results on an E-meter test. A group of Hollywood A-listers quickly gather outside Stan’s house, we’re told, with Tom Cruise somehow ending up stuck in a closet—leading a news crew stationed at the scene to report that Cruise’s fans fervently want the actor to “just come out.”

Radar via Defamer Updated photo ONTD

New Demotivastor Posters

Thanks Josh. More Demotivators.

People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive

The rest of the list:

2: Patrick Dempsey
3: Terrence Howard
4: Viggo Mortensen
5: Vince Vaughn
6: Nick Lachey
7: Heath Ledger
8: Daniel Dae Kim
9: Keith Urban
10: Ian McShane

Paris Dumps Another Greek Gazillionaire

Another one of Paris Hilton's high speed relationships has crashed and burned. According to Star magazine, Hilton and her lover of just over a month, Stavros Niarchos, have broken up. The split happened on the heels of the couple's her 21st birthday. But while Paris and Kelly chilled in the Penthouse of the Hard Rock Hotel, Stavros was downstairs having a pillow fight that cost thousands of dollars worth of damage. Of course, Stavros blames his behavior on Paris's influence. "[Paris is] forever saying, 'Let's party hard like rock stars.' Every night has to be a party," a source close to Niarchos told Star. But once Stavros followed her advice and did party hard, Paris was enraged. "I don't want Hard Rock to think I bring in people who do this," she was overheard saying. For Paris to complain about his antics was the last straw for Stavros. The source says, "They broke up Nov. 13. Stavros told Paris that things are out of control and he's through with the drama. He said to her, 'I need time to reflect. I should have been home today studying, instead I am here paying $100,000 worth of bills.'" (By Kate Lanahan) thebosh
This was all after a week when he crashed two cars after partying. Must not be the best thing in the world to go out with Paris Hilton, not mention the STD's.

Hey dumbass, next time you decide to act out a scene from the movie Selena and trash out a hotel room like a "rock star"...stay at The Hilton. That would have been hot! Just a suggestion.

Photos from snoop.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Trading Spouses for God Warriors

For those of you, like myself, that missed this crazy broad on Trading Spouses because we were watching Lost...not to worry. You can get caught up in some of her insane antics here.

If that wasn't quite enough Marguerite Perrin for your can purchase the perfect stocking stuffer on ebay. Nothing says the holidays quite like a a custom-made bobblehead doll of a raving mad, lunatic Christian woman screaming about Gargoyles, Psychics and everything being tainted. I'm feeling the holiday spirit already.

See the ebay auction here.

Santa Answers Kids Letters

Thanks Dave!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

My Little Toothy Tile

We all know it's true by now and my heart is heavy. However, Jakey G., do not under any circumstances, take any advice from Ted Casablanca and his Blind Item from today. For the love God. Come right out of the closet....that's fine. Do not get involved with Petunia Pickle-Pop!

For those not familiar with Ted's Blind Items...especially "Toothy Tile", you can get caught up here.

Basically, we all have figured out that "Toothy Tile" is in fact Jake Gyllenhaal and "Petunia Pickle-Pop" is that Paris Hilton skank. Ugh! Thank goodness Jake would never do anything that stupid.

Eonline's, Ted Casablanca's "Awful Truth," 11/15/05:

Two To-the-Limit Blind Vices

Toothy Tile and Petunia Pickle-Pop really should start dating. I mean, it would be a fake get-together, but how many real ones are left in this town? Like Jude Law and Sienna Miller are going to last. Like they got back together because they just feel so right for each other, in the end--current flicks to sell be damned!

So, Toothy and Petunia are pushing the upchuck-and-saliva-covered envelope like you would not believe. Or maybe you would?

Ladies first. Movie-stah Toothy--who's been playing with whether or not to come out the closet for so long now, readers think I'm just makin' this sitch up (I'm not)--recently did a chat show for his latest pic, Casablanca Cuckold. You'll never guess what a network worker bee caught him doing in the privacy of his dressing room before taping...

No, not fornicating (you dirty busybodies), just tonguing his b-f, that's all. And this little love licking spread through the studio faster than a pink-slip distribution list at ABC!

Causing far fewer but much more horrified mouths to gasp at an L.A. recording studio was Petunia's smelly wake. After barging into the classy operation with her screeching wheels, P2 headed straight for the bathroom, which had been oh so thoughtfully set up with scented candles and tasteful towels and such.

After 15 minutes of locking herself in the loo, Petunia emerged, leaving the bathroom looking like something out of Martha Stewart's nightmares. And guess what was left smack in the middle of the restroom--with one tiny towel placed in the middle?

It was a reeking, warm pile of human discard. Puke. All over the floor.

Jeez, whose wake is stinkier these days, drugged-out Pet's or duded-out Tooth's?

And it's not:Chad Michael Murray/Hilary Duff, Wentworth Miller/Ashlee Simpson, Will Smith/Kimberly Stewart


Mike Tyson Admits He's a Little Piece of Shit

He also said something about wanting to be pissed on. Okay. That isn't exactly what he said. Close enough though. No word on whether he has finally admitted he's a stupid, cannibalistic, pychotic, woman abusing, rapist, yet. Baby steps people. Baby steps.

"When I think about the women I have slept with, I think to myself, 'These women must go out with anybody if they have got money, because I wouldn't go out with me.

"I'm a f**king dwarf!

"Everyone in my family is 6 feet. What happened to me?

"I'm a tree stump. A fire hydrant. People p**s on fire hydrants, man!"

I'm not exactly sure how him thinking he's a dwarf led to him being a fire hydrant. I'm trying not to think too hard about that segue because it's giving me a headache. That and if it made sense to me...I'd be done. Also, isn't it dogs that piss on fire hydrants? I didn't know that was a normal thing for people to do. I'm just sayin'.

Hollyweird's Newest Celebrity Couples

Funnyman Jim Carrey and funnylady Jenny McCarthy are dating, reports Star magazine. The tab says the two, whom we shall affectionately refer to henceforth as JimJen Jimenny, are "involved in funny business." A source close to the couple tells the pub, "

Jenny and Jim seem really into each other. ... They're spending a lot of time together, and I hear things are getting pretty steamy!" Via Perez

Angelina Jolie’s estranged father Jon Voight has found love with none other then the troubled Diana Ross after they were introduced by Mr Motown; Berry Gordy.They were pictured together at the recent Hollywood tribute to Ross’ 1972 film ‘Lady Sings The Blues’.

According to Contact Music a source close to Ross said: "Diana has been to hell and back over her booze problems and DUI (drink-driving) arrest, and he (Gordy) kept telling her that since she beat her demons and emerged from the depths of depression, all she needed now was love.

In all honesty, after Tommy Cruise and Katie Holmes...nothing seems weird to me anymore.

Not Just Another Pretty Face

On 24 she always ended up looking like the stupidest dingbat on earth, getting into every possible idiotic situation. In the real world, Elisha is a pretty smart cookie and a die hard hockey fan. Born and raised in Canada...she knows a thing or two about the game.

She has her own hockey blog where she discusses different aspects of the game. Her last entry dealt with the superstitions of the hockey players. After you guys are done drooling over her can read her blog here. You may learn a thing or two. Only problem is there isn't a comment section, so I can't discuss how great Peter Forsberg is with her. Oh, and talk about the fact that he's a great hockey player too.
I try really hard after the games not to make too many comments about how I thought the guys preformed. I mean I don't know how I'd feel if one them came up to me after a scene and said, "I don't know if that was believable enough." Then again, who am I kidding? I sneak in comments all the time, for example: "Nice game, not so much, why did you fight him? That wasn't right, if I were you I would of knocked him out, too!!!" Then there's the little pep talks like, "Your nose doesn't look that bad dude, the girls won't notice" and "Who needs that tooth anyway?"

I'm just kidding.

Really though, hockey is back, and that's all that matters!

P.S. -- Is it just me or am I really hearing the refs? LOL

Via deadspin.

Jennifer Aniston GQ Woman of the Year

For the first time in 10 years, GQ magazine is featuring a woman on one of three covers of the annual Men of the Year issue. That woman: Jennifer Aniston. (Related story: Aniston remains our favorite Friend) Actor Vince Vaughn and rapper 50 Cent also are sharing GQ's 2005 honor. The covers will be distributed to subscribers randomly, and all three will be sold on newsstands Nov. 22.

In 2003, GQ started featuring women in the issue, but "we wanted to choose the one woman who we find most compelling," says articles editor Mark Healy. The decision to run topless photos of her, he says, was between the photographer and Aniston.

In what GQ is billing as its first ever Woman of the Year, the nomination is "an honor" for Aniston, says her spokesman, Stephen Huvane. The actress was "inspired" by photographer Peggy Sirota, he says. "Jennifer has always been interested in creating images that are inspired and different from what you may have seen before."


I'm Back

I won't even get into what a totally shit week this last week has been for me. I'll just say I took a handful of these and hopefully I can get back to my stupis ass self. Maybe.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Diddy WTF?

Friday, November 04, 2005

A Message for Madonna

Today's Humor